The Apprentice Blog - Week 6 - Eleven

The Apprentice Blog - Week 6

by Joe Brett Apr 29th 2009 10:00AM

"Pressure", croaks the voice of Old Man Steptoe from beyond the grave. "Are you tough enough to put up with it?" A good question, Sir Alan! Personally, I'm tough enough to put up with about 5 pounds per square inch, ha ha. Oh, wait, he's really talking about the kind of nerve-shattering stress that's part and parcel of trying to flog bric-a-brac to strangers. Forget being in charge of the World Health Organisation - it's the lady in the Oxfam shop that's got the tough gig.

Anyway, welcome to the the sixth act in BBC One's top-rated jobseeker panto! And what a performance they'll put on tonight...

At an auctioneer's warehouse, our remaining apprentices assemble before the Greys. As ever, these are Sir Alan Sugar (a three-hundred-year-old Mr Tumnus); Margaret Mountford (Pauline from The League of Gentlemen's wicked auntie); and Nick Hewer (the 'Scotch Tapes' skeleton after a disappointment). And speaking of skeletons, the teams are going to have to drag one out of the cupboard and offload it for cash – along with a selection of other objects that come coated in enough dust to make a Dyson write a will.

Sadly, the skeleton is not real – so we don't get to guess which former candidate previously owned it. But other items almost include a penny farthing; Trisha Goddard's autobiography (large print edition); a hand-finished Royal Doulton Frank Lampard plate; and a pair of large ceramic puppies – although not the ones which, according to The Sun newspaper, live up Debra's blouse.

"It's selling with a twist to it", Sugar sneers. "Your job is to figure out what the items are worth and go out and sell them." That old adage about knowing the cost of everything but the value of nothing rings through the nation's collective consciousness, just before Sugar throws us off our thought with the following peculiar sentence: "They have to sell them for the right price and the right value." Um...

"The teams must sell their items for the right cost and the right amount", the voiceover probably adds, for the benefit of all those viewers who decided not to become economists.

Anyway, tosspot Ben is "thrulled" to be in charge of Team Empire. "I am a natural born leader!" he declares. "I think Sandhurst saw that in me and that's why I got an army scholarship." Oh, gawd save us, not this old chestnut again. "When I'm under extreme pressure, i.e. heavy gunfire, explosions going off around me, people getting injured, that's when I can bring a team together, that's when I can lead," he finishes. Well, does anyone fancy telling this modern-day answer to Sir Francis Drake that the Amstrad office is in Brentwood, not Basra? Still, if that's where Sir Alan decides to open his next office, I'm sure between a few of us we could scrape together Ben's airfare.

For a start, I suspect that the good people who work in the bookshops of Charing Cross Road would happily chip in a fiver apiece. "We can't take any more sh*t from them! I'm fed up with these book people talking sh*t to me for too long!" Ben squeals to Debra and Noorul, after one particular woman has the audacity to actually give his proffered tomes a once-over, before going on to dismiss their copy of 'Take That In Private' without even stopping to lick the pictures of Gary Barlow's armpits.

Just when I'm getting giddy at the prospect of Empire not shifting a thing under Ben's bad-tempered auspices, he and Debra quash my hopes by flogging a first edition of Octopussy for £100. But where are their team mates, James and Yasmina? Well, they're having some more success, having offloaded two of their three so-called valuables - the Franklampard Mint collectors' plate and eight kilos of jellied eels. However, they're also been tasked with selling a carpet worth £200 - will they be able to work some of that old Apprentice magic?

- Read part two of Joe's blog >>

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Apr 30th 2009 5:19AM

fourstar commented:

User rating: Neutral

You know, I quite fancy Yasmina...

Apr 30th 2009 6:44AM

Andy Cooper commented:

User rating: Neutral

No, Joe, it's not the part where we all get to boo, it's the part where we all get to yell 'Behind You!'. From the amount of backstabbing going on by the purported creme de la creme of young entrepreneurial talent, wing mirrors on the shoulders is the must-have items for those remaining in the Penthouse...well, when I say Penthouse, I mean the IKEA showroom display area.

Much as though I like Ben as much as a trip to the dentist, AMS got it right this week. Noorul was clearly out of his depth although I thought his bored room (sic) performance merited 10/10, Ben certainly failing to have his and Debra's arseholes "twitching like rabbits' noses". Once again, I find my provincial remoteness from the capital leads my jaw to hit the floor at the antics of the majority of the contestants for whom nothing is too base, too debauched to consider taking on board in the quest for Sirallan's ring piece. It is staggering just what depths can be plumbed by people who are doing a fantastic job of making themselves unemployable.

If this is what business in the 21st Century is all about, something has gone radically wrong with our society's values, but as Joe says, it isn't. It's a pantomime, and the cast are still clearly auditioning for the role as arch-baddie. Another wonderful blog, Joe, marvellous.......

Apr 30th 2009 7:26AM

Wend commented:

User rating: Thumbs up

As a north east girl myself evertime Phillip opens his mouth my stomach turns with embarasment for all other northerners what a prick

Apr 30th 2009 7:48AM

Chris R commented:

User rating: Two thumbs up

The Apprenitice is probably one of the most dangerous "business" shows which has ever been created. It does nothing to encourage young people, and merely gives a poor example of man-management to already immature managers of companies and businesses in this Country.

True apprentices were TAUGHT by their superior, not shouted or screamed at, nor degraded in front of their colleagues.
If a manager has to fall to the depths of making his subordinates cry, or make them so angry they want to physically strike the superior, then the man is not a manager, but a bully.

Having worked for Mr Sugar's firm on a contract basis, I can safely say that he is the rudest person that I have had the disprilledge to meet. The only problem is that is agressive behaviour filters down through his subordinate managers and ultimately his staff.

This "show" merely spreads the message to all Senior Managers and Directors of all sizes of company in this Country that shouting, screaming and humiliating people is the way to proceed as "good" man-managers.

I have come across a lot of very poor managers in my time as a Consultant Credit Manager, and most of the mistakes made by the staff are due to poor training.

A manager who is going to shout and scream at you for every mistake you make; particularly if other staff are present, is NOT training you. Further, if particularly young staff are frightend of asking, they will never learn. They will just leave the company (whether "fired" or not) and work elsewhere. In the process that company may have lost a potentially good member of staff.

I sincerely hope that young managers who watch this idiotic show DO NOT take on the advice this Miss Cruchball (acknowledgements to Raol Dahl) attitude to management. The problem is that rather like Big Brother, it attracts exactly the morons who see it as funny to be abusive and agressive. It comes as no surprise that so many good, qualified, workers are leaving this Country to work elsewhere in the world.

At the same time it is the same "hire and fire" companies which then complain about a high turnover of staff, and lack of loyalty.

Perhaps Sir Alan Sugar should experience real aggression and join the army, where I doubt that he would last more than a year. Then again I doubt that they would accept him on the grounds of irrational instability.

Apr 30th 2009 5:58PM

Fred commented:

User rating: Neutral

Murool was a sacking waiting to happen. No matter what loosing team he was going to be on he was the one that old fungus face was gunna fire.

Apr 30th 2009 8:21AM

Jayne commented:

User rating: Neutral

Big Mouth Ben should definately have gone! Poor Noorul!!! Gobby Ben & Gobby Phil are both as thick as 2 short planks & only seem to be surviving because they are SO loud! Double firing next week please Sir Alan!! This programme does not give very good impressions to young people, but its very entertaining! :o)

Apr 30th 2009 8:21AM

michelle commented:

User rating: Neutral

Poor Lorraine she looked so dejected, last night and the hands of Phillip and i can't believe the way Debra spoke in the boardroom, personally i think she should have went last night anyone who speaks to people like that deserves to be fired never mind be HIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apr 30th 2009 12:14PM

ian commented:

User rating: Neutral

Can we have on-screen subtitles when ever that Knobcheese from Durham (Phil) is tryin to talk. Is he talking backwards?

Apr 30th 2009 2:34PM

Dave From Horndean commented:

User rating: Neutral

I really do hope that the top brass (British Army) watch this....Ben says he has been selected by the British Army to be an officer.....leadership, able to compose himself under pressure and on top of that he has the cheek to say that when he becomes an officer and is on the battlefield under fire and people are falling all around him they (I presume he means his troops) will be looking to him to guide them!! As a Warrant Officer (Royal Navy) with 30 years experience I would not trust Ben to lead himself to the toilet and come back safe let alone allow him to lead men into battle! He is as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike and a disgrace to even think that the battlefield is something to joke about!

Apr 30th 2009 3:00PM

Chauncey Gray commented:

User rating: Neutral

My least favourite candidates are Phil, Deborah and Ben. Each of them are obnoxious and self-centred bullies. One might need to be a bit hard in business, but the qualities these three possess can only mean trouble for Sir Alan if he selects any of them as his apprentice.