"It's sell sell sell in The Apprentice, next on BBC One," chortles an announcer. And yep, true to his word, all nine remaining candidates have sold their souls to Satan in a bid to be scowled at by business-Gruffalo Sir Alan Sugar come appraisal time at Brentwood House.

Yep, it's week seven already – and Frances is so knackered from her other job sending textmessages and occasionally rubbing her bumcheeks on Babestation that she doesn't bother to ring the Apprentices up til mid-morning. "Sir Alan would like to meet you at the London Gateway", she honks, in her sultry train announcer voice. "Sir Alan would like you to pack an overnight bag."

Overnight bag, eh? That can only mean one thing, which is Sid the Sexist making lascivious comments about "bikini-clad women" while doing his Pants Man Dance and licking his lips like bacon's cooking. Ugh. I can't wait for Phil to eff off. But will he be out the back door in the next 60 minutes? Fingers crossed...

With last year's jaunt to Marrakech still fresh in everyone's mind, the Apprentices hurriedly start packing their sunblock, mankinis and copies of Anita's chick-lit novel. Cut to Sir Alan Sugar snarking "Good afternoon!", in the drizzly car park of London Gateway services, before telling them that they're off to a mythical place of pain and sorrow. One which London parents only speak of when they want to terrify their children into improving their exam results.

The North.

Never mind the fact that the two cities they'll be visiting are Manchester and Liverpool, which are cosmopolitan, vibrant, largely regenerated and steeped in a rich cultural history - nine faces you couldn't measure with a metre rule stare balefully back. No pottering around souks or serving raw sausages in French food markets for them.

Instead, Big Grey Al has set them a challenge of selecting two eye-watering inventions from a selection of 12 and then trying to flog them to local businesses in the north west. "Everybody is going to have to do some selling", Sir Alan finishes, before hopping into his Roller and being chauffeured back to within the safe climes of the M25 before he gets a nose bleed. Each Apprentice is issued with a child's exercise book in order to keep count of their sales.

"So much for sampling balsamic vinegar and olive oil in Italy", sighs Ben. That's right, because they don't have such exotic treats anywhere above Watford, you know. They have Sarsons, Duckhams and nothing else - and that's the way us northerners like it.

After Phil benevolently allows Lorraine to "have a gorrrr" at being the boss, Lol settles down with the rest of Team Ignite (Yasmina, Ben and Kate) for a briefing. "My thinking has to come from an inside gut feeling", she explains. "I'm a bit of a slow burner in terms of my thought process". Read into that what you will.

Speaking of burning, the fragrant Mona has a desire to lead Empire to victory. "It's not desperation, James, it's passion!", she hoots. But how passionate will she be able to get once the task begins?

Well, the shameless parade of pointlessness that's wheeled before them the next morning would fail to raise the pulse of the most ardent shopaholic. Toasters carved from butter, satchels for ducks, giant plush gooseberries that turn into frightening chairs resembling the man-eating plant from The Little Shop of Horrors, and something that apparently collects the dust caused by drilling into walls (previously known as a vacuum cleaner).

In other words, there's little there that would set Father Christmas cracking the whip with his elves, but the teams are still required to choose two of these baffling, eccentric or half-arsed contraptions to flog. Ignite, lead by Lorraine, picks an expandable fabric shopping bag which somehow clips to the front of a bicycle (so basically a floppy version of a basket but with holes in the side for your stuff to fall out of, nice one) and a fire-engine shaped box with a hole cut in it for cats to sniff at and ignore like the ungrateful creatures they are. "Another market is the ferret market", explains the designer, helpfully giving the shandy-sipping southerners at Television Centre another stick to beat us northern stereotypes with.

- Read part two of Joe's blog >>

10am edit: Glaring error about who picked what fixed. Thank to those who pointed it out - clearly Lol is not the only one slow on the uptake *fires self*