"This is a job interview from hell", says Canary Wharf tower at the beginning of the episode. Wow, the show really must be popular if priapic office blocks now know the opening monologue word for word... Yep, we're eight weeks into the ratings-busting fifth series of the Apprentice, and the shonkier half of the candidates have gone back to their jobs selling double glazing dressed as Olympic athletes, or however they spent their days before the fickle finger of fate flagged them off.
Now it's time for another hour of posturing, Prokofiev and p*ssing about at project management – and tonight, one of the final eight will be FIRED!
As dawn breaks, the remaining candidates schlepp out to the O2. "Here we are at what was once known as the Millenium Dome", gruffs Amstrad orc Sir Alan Sugar, as eight mouths release lion yawns. "It became somewhat derelict, a bit of a white elephant, and in recent years some enterprising people have rebranded it and made it a venue where millions and millions of people come every year." Your point, caller? "You are going to rebrand the town of Margate. It's become a little tired. It needs to be made into a cool place for people to go." Cool people like Nick and Margaret, then? Righto.
Being from Doncaster I don't think I've got much room for manoeuvre when it comes to making tart remarks about other people's hometowns. But a year or so ago, a mate and I were pootling about trying to find somewhere quaint and sandy for us to lounge about for a couple of hours. And all of a sudden, we arrived in a fairly down-at-heel area where a high proportion of road users were young men in peaked caps driving hatchbacks so ludicrously modified that they may as well have been sitting in the trash-talking cartoon taxi from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. "I wonder if we're in Margate", I said. And it turned out that we were. We drove on.
I'm not suggesting that Max Power mania is purely the preserve of lads in one small area of the Garden of England, or even that I did more than zip through the town, but something deep in my subconscious suggested to me that one of the nicer things about Margate would be the road out. So, yes, chances are it could use a change of image. However, I'd expect a change in perception to come in the form of years of local government planning and investment, not a bunch of plonkers let loose with a disposable camera, some mounting board and a couple of sheets of Letraset.
"This task is going to involve a multitude of skills," Yasmina declares, in her bid to become Ignite's Dear Leader. "And I'm particularly strong with them," she finishes. No further detail is forthcoming. But instead of unpicking this word salad, her underlings readily agree, with Ben piping up that she used her "skills" to start her restaurant – never mind the fact that it must have more empty tables than a spreadsheet authored by Paris Hilton after the cack-handed canapes she dished up a few weeks back.
Cassandra, sorry, Lorraine points out that the domestic family holiday is a growth market due to the recession; then reveals that people are taking their vacations at home due to the credit crunch; before stating that fewer people can afford to go abroad because of the economic downturn. After which, Yasmina boots her and Ben down to Margate (yes, a Chas and Dave revival is long overdue) in a bid to get away from the woman's non-stop stating of the very bloody obvious.
This leaves Yasmina and Kate with the plum job of asking people to flash their bellies and their calves under the guise of trying to find their new Faces Of Margate. Meanwhile, the Face of Margaret contorts itself into a variety of emotional displays, including disgust, mirth, horror and deep, deep arousal. Possibly. Yasmina licks her lips.
"Margate's not exactly the Seychelles is it?" sighs a disappointed Ben, who made the mistake of packing a mankini for the second week on the trot. Well, judging from the footage, I must say that it actually looks pretty charming in the sun, if you like Regency architecture, smiling people and some faded seaside glamour. And speaking of glamour, Lorraine seems to have begun swapping fashion tips with Lucinda from last year's series, and she is looking resplendent in a mini-dress, purple wellies and a brightly mottled neckerchief that she clearly won after an hour of grappling with Lucinda on the floor of Fenwick's "deafening accessories" department. Still, at least by getting dressed in the dark she never runs the risk of wearing exactly the same shirt, trousers and tank-top combo as Yasmina and Kate. Embarrassing!
As any fule kno, every good campaign needs a good slogan. So it's a pity that Ben can only come up with "Shell-ebrate Family Fun" (DO YOU SEE) and "Margate, the epitome of British beauty", which would have the folks at Trading Standards in a boggle-eyed mouth-froth for a fortnight. However, Lorraine's suggestion - "See Margate through a child's eyes" - goes down with rather less of a clang at Ignite HQ.
The next day, Ben and Lorraine prepare to snap some pics for their poster, but the weather has other ideas. Still, this doesn't put Ben off from trying to act like the next David Bailey, even though his foot-to-foot hopping and distinctly knobbish trick of making a frame with his thumbs and forefingers makes him look more like David Brent vogueing at the office party.
Lol, meanwhile, is also having a lovely time skipping around the town in the sunshine. However, when Yasmina gets on the phone to carp about their efforts with the photos, rainclouds begin to gather once again.
Fancy a bit of umbrage, anyone? Woah, too late – Lorraine has taken it. "I've never seen bloody text over a frigging photograph have you?", she harrumphs, when Yasmina gives her a rollicking for not leaving enough empty space in the shots. "A poster for a holiday is a vision, it is not a product, you can't touch it", she continues. "I'll explain that to her when we get back."
Sadly, the resulting exegesis spewed forth from the trap of Lol only involves shrieking "I don't like them!" at the finished designs, before dribbling out some phrases like "the poster is the photograph" and "the concept is not a product". Forget the frocks – it's becoming increasingly apparent that Lorraine has more than a touch of Lucinda's personality too. She might be fairly likeable (well, I usually like her) and perform decently enough when she's in charge, but she turns into Anne Robinson with earache when she doesn't get things exactly her way.
"There's a difference between managing strong personalities and crazy people", Yasmina later sighs. But how are those other ridiculously wacky types such as Howard and Mona getting along on the other team?
- Read part two of Joe's blog >>
