It's week ten in the fifth series of "The Bladdy Apprentice", and Sir Alan Sugar is kicking off the show with a history lesson at Alexandra Palace. A cracking idea, Sir Alan! There's nothing that Yasmina, Debra, Howard, James, Kate and Lorraine would rather do at 6.30am than hang around in the cold with faces of purest thunder, wishing that they could have heard all about this week's task over the phone from the amazing invisible Frances.

As all eyes glaze over, the future employer of one unlucky candidate explains that the mast at Ally Pally transmitted the first ever TV footage in 1936. He omits the possibility that John Logie Baird might have thought twice about the whole shebang had he realised that his invention was going to inflict the horrors of Ben Clarke and Katie Hopkins upon the nation.

However, their location can mean only one thing - the remaining three pairs of Appren-tits are finally going to get their long-awaited media careers! Although not quite in the way that they've been hoping. And at the end of the task, one of them is going to get fired.

"TV shopping is a growing market worth over one billion zillion gajillion pounds", Big Grey Al reveals, before telling the audience that the annual home shopping challenge is his one of his favourites. And I heartily concur, as it's one of my favourites too. But while Sir Alan is going to be monitoring the jobseekers for their skills at "identifying audiences" and "choosing products", I'm going to be enjoying a good old chuckle about the fact that some people will spend good hard cash on transforming their houses into barely-habitable tombola stalls.

"I can see myself in the final for this, and I think Sir Alan sees me in the final as well", Howard honks in his first clip, pretty much giving the ending away right at the beginning. A big thanks-for-nothing and a hoof in the chops for whoever is responsible for this egregious error. However, like the dutiful disciples of Nick and Margaret we are, we stick with the show until the bitter (very bitter, in one person's case) end.

The people at Ideal World must have a good sense of humour. After all, they've agreed to allocate two whole hours of prime time to Empire and Ignite, who must flog tat to whichever lucky, lucky individuals have enough free time to spend their afternoons watching people with plastic hair debating the merits of a Jack La Lainne power juicer. However, there's clearly no sense of humour allowed in the production gallery itself, where one anonymous woman is harrassing a presenter via earpiece as she tries to shift sat-navs to the three remaining people who don't already have one. "What's that item number? Are you going to say it's first come first served? Or about it being limited stock? What's your favourite type of equation, indeterminate or parametric? What am I having for my tea?" It's like being interrogated by MI5 - and one can't help but wonder how Debra will react to it.

Howard puts himself in charge of Ignite, but that doesn't stop Lorraine from attempting to take charge. "I think we should choose products that reflect our personalities," she suggests. However, as it's difficult to put a price tag on vast quantities of hot air, Howard replies that they should choose products that reflect their target market. But first, each of the team members must have a practice run in front of the cameras, which involves explaining the basics of in-vehicle satellite navigation. And neither Lorraine or Kate have a clue.

Firstly, Lorraine suggests that the devices can save people from speeding tickets or ending their earthly days in gruesome pile-ups full of severed limbs and twisted metal. However, even she is better than Kate, who barely mumbles a word apart from "Erm, erm", while jabbing away at an unresponsive screen and ruining her manicure. What does this mean for their fates - not to mention the one of home shopping?

- Read part two of Joe's blog >>