"This is a job interview from Hell", insists a BBC announcer, despite us having watched 10 whole weeks of evidence that suggest otherwise.

Come on. Hell? Really? Can anybody direct me to that Hieronymus Bosch painting where he depicted the Underworld as a big Job Centre Plus, but with all the 'Help Wanted' ads replaced with pages torn out from the 'Why Don't You Wet Weekend Activity Book'? Didn't think so. But don't do something less boring instead – it's week 11 of The Apprentice, and five people who are famous for all the wrong reasons are going to have their CVs rolled up and inserted quite a long way up their 'acumens', all in the name of entertainment.

Time, then, for the actual interviews to begin. But who'll make it through without showing themselves up? Well, none of them, if these little snippets are anything to go by...

"I've never had an interview and not got the job," declares Yasmina.

"I wouldn't have taken that job anyway, they were a bunch of idiots", says Kate, when pressed on the one that got away.

"The last place I want to be is in the boardroom, with Alan Sugar kicking me so hard up the arse I've got his toes for teeth." That will be James, then.

Anyway, today's rounds of CV-related sniping are going to take place at Viglen HQ – and Nick and Margaret are already there, blocking the stairs like a couple of trolls on a bridge. However, this is the extent of Nick and Margaret's involvement today, as they've been given their annual afternoon off in order to follow their favourite pursuits. Nick Hewer is going to spend the day threatening people who haven't read Proust with citizen's arrest, while Margaret is off to Asda, where she plans to stock up on Taboo and patronise the new girl on the checkouts with quotes from the Greek classics until the queue is 18 people long and the poor cow bursts into tears.

You see, Sir Alan has roped in some other henchmen. "I've got four of my trusted associates who are going to interview you all individually today," he confirms. But who can they be?

Well, first of all there's Bordan, who manages Viglen Computers. He drives a penis extension, although looks more like he should be driving a bus. Next there's former "global troubleshooter" Claude, who has fooled many man at a cocktail party by making out that his job is as macho, glamorous and exciting as it sounds, whereas it probably just involved sitting at a desk in suburban Essex with only some ball bearings on strings to relieve the mundanity of it all. He has a "reputation for ruthlessness", which I think translates as "a propensity for being an intolerable old bastard."

Joining them is new face Alan Junior, a "hot-shot city litigator" who I'm going to be extremely nice about for no particular reason. And finally, we have Birmingham City FC boss Karren Brady, who thankfully isn't subject to the same kind of introduction that she received last year, which involved the camera panning up and down her legs to a soundtrack of "Don't Cha" and lots of heavy breathing.

Anyway, these four excellent reasons to take a career break have spent their Tuesday afternoons rustling through references and practising their best Blanche Hunt-style withering stares in the mirror. But what will happen once they meet the minions?

- Read part two of Joe's blog >>