It's the final round. In the red corner: coffee-selling personality vortex Kate Walsh. She dislikes other women and has heard of blinis. In the blue corner: Yasmina Siadatan. She is rubbish at cooking and even worse at doing her accounts. She runs a restaurant.

Only on The Apprentice, people. Only on The Apprentice. And this means that, over in the grey corner, sits Sky box magnate, newly-crowned enterprise tsar and foul-mouthed corporate hobbit Sir Alan Sugar. He'd like to remind us all that first prize on The Apprentice is working for him, and that second prize is a few spreads in Heat Magazine, a spot on Celebrity Scissorhands, a deal to write a book on business that nobody will ever be bored enough to read, and eventual obscurity. But which is better? And who is going to end up with what?

Well, before one of them is hired, the Alisha's Attic of business-related reality shows have to perform one more task for their bristly overlord. Are they going to have to tackle an area of business similar to what the winner's responsibilities will be at Brentwood House? Of course not. Instead, they're being asked to come up with a brand new box of chocolates plus a marketing campaign while under the haunting auspices of Margaret Mountford and Nick Hewer. They may look bitter and spend the whole time glaring over their pince-nez, but you can tell that they're eager to titillate their tastebuds with something other than the flavour of Alan Sugar's arse.

So far, so GCSE Food Technology. But according to Big Grey Al, Yasmina and Kate aren't going to be able to crack it alone. "This task is going to be a hard one, so you're going to need some assistance", he barks, as Nick and Margaret cattle-prod a gruesome hydra of former Apprentice candidates into the room. And while this means extra footage of Lorraine, Kim and James, it also means more airtime for Ben and Philip - and the latter is roundly miffed when Kate doesn't pick him for her team. I can't say I blame her though. After all, she can't spend the next three days with the rotting albatross of his romantic desire hanging around her neck. She has work to do!

The chocolate industry, according to Sugarlips, is worth £3.5bn annually. So, to win a place in the cholesterol-congealed hearts of us gravestone-gobbed British sugar addicts, the two of them are going to have to come up with delicious products as well as some brilliant marketing concepts that will appeal to everyone. Or, alternatively, alienate their biggest consumers before they've even broken out the brush pens.

After James suggests that they should be "going after the male area" (steady on), Yasmina agrees to market some chocolate specifically to men and nips off to seek an opinion from the last five guys who work in the City Square Mile. "If my girlfriend bought them for me I'd think it was a bit odd", they bray in hateful chorus. Oh.

However, Philip – a man who's about as welcome on my TV as another series of Cosmetic Surgery Live – thinks they should stick with it. "We're trying to do something that hasn't been done before," he mumbles. "It's like with Pants Man. People didn't get it at the time but they will eventually." Yes, Philip, they will. Around the same time that Satan opens an ice rink. Yasmina agrees that they should crack on, and the team starts floating names that might appeal to men. These include Captain Cocoa, Shockolate, I Should Cocoa and "I Can't Believe It's Not Chocolate-Coated Tits". Probably. Anyway, they eventually settle on Cocoa Electric, with a view to making chocs with "shocking flavours". You heard.

"There are no chocolates out there that are specifically branded for men", Yasmina insists, forgetting things like Yorkie and Double Decker, which have both tried to align themselves with such pinnacles of focus-group masculinity as reading Max Power and wearing enough Lynx Java to put Bella Emberg in a coma. However, a bunch of snooty lady chocolatiers think that there's a good reason why these products are few and far between.

"Very few men really seem to get off on eating chocolate," they declare. Which isn't true. Loads of men like eating chocolate, we've just been conditioned to not expect to see it in lowbrow culture. While we get endless shots of Renee Zellweger hiding under a duvet cramming her hamster cheeks with Galaxy, nobody expects to see Christian Bale's character in Terminator 4 doing the same. And I bet the crew sent him as much chocolate as they could muster in a bid to keep his mouth occupied.

Anyway, after deciding that they're "trying to push boundaries a bit too far", Yasmina decides that she'll have to market her chocs to everyone. Howard and Lorraine promptly get to work on the box design, which seems to entail saying "Cocoa Electric" to a man with a copy of Photoshop and saying yes to the first thing he comes up with, even though it looks like the kind of thing that warns children away from playing near electricity substations. Meanwhile, James and Yasmina spend the rest of their afternoon chomping down on exactly the same gunk that they tried to put in bars of soap a few weeks earlier. Coriander and orange? Caramel and pink pepper? Smartprice tuna with basil oil? God - it makes you long for a coffee cream, and everybody hates those.

- Read part two of Joe's blog >>